Pappy. Oh, Pappy. What have they done to you?
My friends, this is a call for justice. A plea for a restoration of sanity to this cruel, insane world. I am throwing myself at the mercy of the Fates, appealing for divine intervention, researching various world religions to ask for mercy and retribution from as many deities as possible. Honestly, I’ll do anything.
I mean, is nothing sacred? Can the world, in its infinite cruelty, just let us have one shining moment of happiness? Can we have just one dependable object for inducing the unmitigated bliss required to sustain our souls? Apparently, the answer is a big fat “Shut up. I’m the world and I’ll do what I want.”
The Pappy. My God, the Pappy.
As read on Gawker some particularly dastardly fiend has stolen 195 bottles of Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20 Year Old Bourbon Whiskey and nine whole cases of the 13 Year Old Rye Whiskey.
If you’re unfamiliar with these beverages, let me put it this way: if God drank whiskey, he’d drink Pappy. It’s essentially the undisputed king of the whiskey world and because of the labor-intensive, time-consuming production process, it’s nearly impossible to get your hands on. But now, with this unexpected cratering of the supply chain? You can pretty much take “nearly” out of the equation. It’s not as though the Rip Van Winkle Distillery can build a time machine, go back 20 years, and start the whole process over. When it’s gone, it’s gone. And right now? It’s gone.
So, a plea. Pappy stealer, if you’re reading this, show some mercy. I know the tone of this blog post has been a bit tongue-in-cheek, but let’s make no mistake: you’re a criminal. Beyond that, you’re just a terrible, terrible person. I urge you to repent. You don’t have to turn yourself in. I know that prison holds a special Hell for someone like you. But at least show a shred of humanity. Return the Pappy. Really, what has he ever done to you?