There comes a time in every man’s life when he is confronted with a sobering reality: if given the choice, most women prefer well-appointed class to functional slobbery.
Sure, it makes tons of sense to use last night’s pizza box as tonight’s fine china. And those cans you’ve got lying around? You know, the ones that you’re passing off as a refreshingly low-tech intruder alarm? Yeah, sorry to break this news, but rare is the woman that will think of these things as a “delightfully idiosyncratic turn-on” instead of a “mouth throw-uppy reason to keep my clothes firmly on and make up a non-existent early morning commitment and boy isn’t it getting late I better hit the road please lose my phone number because you’re gross.”
So what’s a guy to do? How can we counteract our caveman tendencies and spruce up our living spaces enough to make them appealing to the fairer sex? Well, if your potential mate is the kind of lady that you’ll actually want around for a bit, one great place to start is by upgrading the most important thing in your home: your liquor.
Do you have half empty bottles of bottom-shelf whiskey lying in wait for the moment when you decide that Natural Ice just won’t cut it? Does your go-to move resemble taking a long pull off of a bottle of Seagram’s 7, wiping your face with the back of your hand as you belch, and handing the bottle over to your date as you say, “Don’t worry about the backwash. I brush my teeth at least 9 times a week. Can’t wait to get freaky deaky with you girl lady.”
Stop it. Honestly. Just stop it.
Those moves might have worked in your freshman year, but that was a time of equal opportunity idiocy (read: alcohol-induced amorosity) amongst the sexes. You’ve entered Adult Land, and as such, your boozey buffoonery is no longer an excusable quirk. If you want to be a primetime player in Adult Land, you need to show the ability to have some forethought. Or, in other words (for our very specific purposes here), you need an elegant whiskey decanter with matching rocks glasses.
This thing is a fool-proof way to ensure that you’ve got your alcoholic A-game ready at all times. It looks so good that no one would ever suspect you’ve got it filled with whatever borderline swill you could afford. Put it in your makeshift liquor cabinet (I suggest the kitchen cupboard that ISN’T housing your Ramen and Cap’n Crunch), and casually pull it out for a nightcap. The conversation will go something like this:
Her: “Wow. What a beautiful design. You have great taste.”
You: “Oh this thing? Thanks. I usually only pull it out to pour myself a soul-cleansing dram as I watch arduous documentaries.”
Her: “Thanks so much for having me over. It’s so refreshing to meet a man that actually understands what it means to be a resident of Adult Land.”
You: “Can’t wait to get freaky deaky with you girl lady.”
Well, some habits die hard I guess. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still get your decanter on like a straight-up classy naturalized citizen of Adult Land. In fact, it probably means you need it even more.