Happy Halloween 2013!

The day is finally here! Happy Halloween everyone! Or as I sometimes say, Happy Christmas for Weirdos and Fat People!

Yes, that’s right. Today is Halloween. All Hallow’s Eve. The Devil’s Birthday. The Day You Finally Get To Dress Up Like Miley Cyrus Without Society Judging You. Or the spookiest of all… October 31st.

Dog Miley

Dog Miley. (Photo via 9gag.com)

What an exciting day. To me, Halloween represents nothing so much as the idea of fun. As a kid, I looked forward to Halloween because I got to wear a cool costume, drink lots of stuff I shouldn’t drink (like soda and cider), and eat lots of stuff I shouldn’t eat (like donut holes and a pile of candy from adults I don’t know). As an adult, it’s pretty much exactly the same except you need to add “and lots and lots of booze.”

What’s not to like about that?

So, with all that in mind, as an avowed Halloween Fun-Having Expert, I thought I’d point a few things out.

1. Here’s the Official Ranking of Candy Deliciousness: 1. Anything by Reese’s, 2. Twix, 3. Kit Kats, 4. Snickers, 5. M&Ms….1,000,000. Bit O’Honey. (Seriously, I know that everyone’s candy tastes are different, but we can all agree that Bit O’Honey sucks right?)


Ain’t no Bit O’ Honey in that beautiful pile. (Photo via threelittlepiglets.com)

2. I’m sure many of you threw or attended some pretty stellar Halloween parties last weekend. But for those of you who have saved your debauchery for tonight itself (or this upcoming weekend), you know the drill: black and orange everything, serving drinks from a pumpkin is amazing, your costume doesn’t have to be super complicated, but it doesn’t make you cool to be above the idea of putting in any effort at all, and most of all, don’t be an idiot.

3. Teenagers sometimes think that putting on a wacky hat, knocking on your door, and sullenly saying “Trick or treat” under their breath while refusing to make eye contact with you is acceptable behavior on Halloween. Feel free to save some Bit O’ Honeys for them.

Bit O' Honey

Take that teenagers! (Photo via www.nuts.com)

4. If you’re dressing up as a vampire, I’ve got ten words for you: red wine (or Jungle Juice) in a chalice. Blood. Boom.

5. Above all else, just don’t make it not fun. There are a whole bunch of people who have been really looking forward to Halloween since…well, pretty much since last Halloween. So even if costumes aren’t your thing, or orange is your most hated color, or whatever your issue is…just do a little live and let live. Or dress up as a zombie and do a little be undead and let live. Either way works.

Be safe out there guys. See you in November!

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