Ah, Halloween. All Hallow’s Eve, if you will. The favorite holiday of ugly people and drunkards everywhere. The one night of the year when it’s socially acceptable to dress up as a sexy kitty, or if you’re a girl, as Godzilla. Meow!
You might view Halloween as a chance to engage in some innocent escapist fun, a golden opportunity to indulge your inner child and gorge yourself on sweet treats and bountiful amounts of booze. Or perhaps you’re an enemy of joy and view it as a pagan holiday that glorifies all manner of reprehensible things that have no place in a responsible society. If you happen to be a part of the latter group, you probably don’t need to keep reading this. You also probably kind of suck.
But if you’re part of the ghoulish group that sees October 31st as just another good excuse to get your party on, we should be best friends. I’ll call you tomorrow to start planning which one of us gets to be the front of the unicorn for the party. Oh, what party, you ask, new best friend? To which I reply, “Any party. It’s Halloween, damn it. This, among all nights, is the night that is designed for debauchery. A night where the only real rule is that you better not show up as yourself. So if you don’t have a party to go to, it’s time to go buy some fake cobwebs and get ready to host your own haunted humdinger of a liquor-guzzling get-together.”
All of this is a pretty long and convoluted way of making this point: There’s essentially no day on the calendar that more lends itself to partying than Halloween. If none of your bum friends is willing to play host, I promise you that it will be well worth your time to get the ball rolling on your own.
I mean, let’s be real for a second here. You can’t use a skull ice bucket at your nephew’s Pre-K graduation brunch, can you? And if you try to deck the halls by cracking open your Christmas ales with vampire teeth bottle openers you’ll probably end up with a DVD copy of Breaking Dawn in your stocking and who wants to spend two hours looking at that ugly hippopotamus Taylor Lautner? (JK! LOL! He doesn’t know what a shirt is! #sparkleabs).
Have you noticed that I haven’t even mentioned costumes, Jello shots, or anything else that fits right in at any average Halloween party, but would be really strange at even the coolest Bat Mitzvah you’ve ever been to? Yeah, you probably noticed. And if everything is going according to plan then you’re thinking, “My dude Collipop is making some pretty rock-solid observations. I’m going all out on H-Ween this year! I just have to get my costume from the Furry Convention dry-cleaned.” Here’s a pro tip: get it dry-cleaned twice. And then get ready to enjoy your night of high caloric, spooky fun that only comes around once a year! Happy Halloween (Party Season) everyone!