How to Spot the Party Weirdo

If we here at KegWorks know one thing about our customers, it’s that you folks out there like to party. Random keggers in the woods, birthday bashes at sticky-floored karaoke bars, mixology mixers in intimate brick-walled cocktail dens with more bitters than a library has books…you’ve done it all. If there’s a good time to be had, you’re waltzing in with a smile on your face and a seemingly unquenchable thirst radiating from the parched marrow of your fun-loving bones. You are seekers of joy, champions of relaxation, warriors in the never-ending battle against boredom. Seriously, we love you. Don’t ever change.

But with that much partying, there’s bound to be a few duds in the old memory box right? A handful of nights that (despite your best efforts) just never really got off the ground. Maybe the beer was warm, or maybe you had to deal with the evening vengeance of a lunchtime trip to Chipotle. Or just maybe you got stuck talking to the party weirdo all night.

You know him (and if you don’t, you probably are him). He’s the guy in velcro sneakers, Transitions lenses, and a Cosby sweater, always looking to a spot at the side of your head when he’s talking to you.

Now, here’s the thing: the party weirdo can be a super interesting person. In fact, sometimes a conversation with the party weirdo is so absorbing that it takes a good long time before you even recognize who you’ve gotten involved with. But at some point, you’re going to exhaust your arsenal of witty bon mots meant to land squarely in the weirdo’s wheelhouse and you’ll want to extricate yourself from that conversation in a hurry.

How will you know it’s time to go? The following is a brief list of the kinds of conversational quips that just might be thought of as red flags. If you hear something like this, fashion your exit plan immediately and reclaim your right to party:

– “I have four pet ferrets named Rose, Blanche, Dorothy, and Sophia.”

– “I never really got into music, but I do love sound effects. Bloop!”

– “So I said to the guy, ‘Hey idiot. Legolas is the son of Thranduil, NOT Oropher.’ What a nerd, right?”

– “Lights aren’t for me. I prefer to drink in the dark and pretend that I’m a gargoyle.”

– “I’ve saved all my fingernail clippings since 2003. I mean, you know, science.”

– “Have you ever heard of ‘sports’?”

“Ah party weirdo. You’re a gem. But, uh, I need to go to the bathroom. Let’s table this, alright?”

Boom. Out of there. Go enjoy yourself. You’ve earned it.

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