Hey everyone. Collin couldn’t write a blog post today, so I told him I’d fill in. My name is Daniel and I’m from the future. Or more specifically, the year 2120. Don’t ask me how I got in touch with him because it’s entirely possible that this whole “future guy” thing is a cheap gimmick to combat writer’s block. Stupid Collin.
Anyhow, things are pretty good in the future. We all wear those moonsuits that people from the 60’s thought that people in 2000 would be wearing. So it only takes me like five minutes to get ready for my job at the X’Norpathing Colony Moon Base. The X’Norpathings are an advanced people from the outer reaches of the galaxy, and they’ve been peacefully monitoring us since dinosaurs were knocking boots. As such, they seemed trustworthy and were among the first planets that the nations of Earth allowed to set up shop on the dusty surface of our orbiting orb turned interstellar bazaar.
The X’Norpathingian economy is, in a word, robust. They sell all sorts of future things that involve lasers and magnets and shiny stuff. Honestly, they rack up even more Milky Way Bucks (think Galaxy Euros) than the Floopdelmontes, and I think it goes without saying that the Floopdelmontes have some deep pockets. Man, I love working for the X’Norpathings (or perhaps I should say “Dn’ugt jimp glargle X’Norpathings”), but at the end of a long day, Danny need drinky, you know?
Luckily for me, there’s one area in which the X’Norpathings really shine: mixing up damn fine space drinks. Well, let me clarify that. Sometimes it’s hard to call their crazy concoctions “drinks” at all. They have advanced so far beyond us that they’re somehow making boozey delights that appear to have more in common with an amoeba than a cocktail. But do they taste great? And have a potent kick? You bet your bottom Milky Way Buck they do!
I mean, we’re talking about gelatinous balls of intergalactic deliciousness that explode in your mouth like a flashing, crashing comet of divine taste sensation. We’re talking about airy wisps of alcohol-infused lightness that are so delicate even angels dare not tread upon them. Seriously, we’re talking about such funky glasses of layered flavors and subtle balance that only a culture as advanced as the X’Norpathings could even imagine such brain-bending boldness. Man, I pity you non-future dwellers who will never get to experience the ethereal artistry of an X’Norpathing bartender’s best.
Wait. Hold on now. Collin just popped in and told me I’m a “future dumbo.” Apparently you plebes stuck in 2012, with your limited knowledge of intergalactic culture, somehow stumbled into something called “molecular mixology,” a burgeoning movement that almost exactly emulates the science-meets-magic experience of a true X’Norpathing work of cocktail art. In fact, you can even buy a starter kit that contains all of the ingredients, tools, tricks of the trade, and secret bits of knowledge you’ll need to create your own innovative alcoholic solids.
I’ve got to tell you, speaking for citizens of the year 2120, this is pretty incredible. Really, how many products offer you a taste of the future or better yet, a taste of the best that a distant space culture has to offer? Not many, I’d say. So get this kit today and get your X’Norpathing on!