No News is Good News: A Brief Rant

Dearest friends and followers of the KegWorks blog, I beg of you a moment to rant. About what? A couple of recent news stories.

Now, I understand that the news serves an important function in society. It’s good to remain informed and be aware of the major events that shape our lives and the lives of our neighbors. But there’s a lot of really stupid stuff out there too. Consider:

Well, the moment we were all waiting for has finally arrived. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, Princess William, a true noble presence in this world, popped a baby out of her birth canal like a piglet from a pork chute. I guess she must be human after all. So crack open an Imperial IPA, take a moment to reflect on your ordinary, worthless existence, and then toast the Royal Baby. Because he’s a baby that’s better than you.

Winking Baby

"Ah cheerio there bloke. I'm the Royal Baby and you're basically scum. Brilliant!"

Anthony Weiner is Carlos Danger. And Carlos Danger is horny. Like, just really, really horny. I mean, this was already a politician named Weiner with a predilection for dick pics. How would it be possible to top that? Well, using Carlos Danger as your alias is really a great way to give it the old college try there Tony. It’s not even about some outdated notion of morality. It’s about the fact that he’s an idiot bro who can’t stop taking nude selfies and taking reckless chances with their distribution. Hey Danger? Stop acting like a Weiner.

Anthony Weiner

"I look like a cross between a lizard and Merton Hanks. Want to see me naked and/or vote for me?"

These are not worth our time. Life is short, and summer is even shorter. You don’t need breathless, wall-to-wall coverage of the Royal Baby because ultimately, it means absolutely nothing in any way. And Weiner’s weiner? Come on. Go ride a bike, have a picnic, paint the deck, read a book, take a nap, or best of all, drink a bunch of really good beer. Literally go do anything that spends your time in a way that’s more befitting a person who reads this blog (i.e. a person of the utmost quality and super coolness).

No hands beer drinking

Now THIS is a life well-lived!

Boom. Rant over. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go find out if they’ve named the Royal Baby yet…

 

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