"This has incredible mouth-feel."
"What a bold, complex flavor. I feel like a thousand taste fairies are dancing gently across my tongue."
"I’m impressed by its depth and subtlety. This beer is more nuanced than Keanu Reeves, and that’s a great deal of nuance."
Do you know what these statements have in common? Not one person has ever said them about a can of Schmidt. But you know what? Schmidt don’t give a shit.
Sure, Schmidt doesn’t "taste good." But do you know what else doesn’t "taste good"? America, that’s what. Go lick a light pole in Sioux City or eat a pile of sand from the Florida Keys and tell me how that tastes. Not great right? Yeah, that’s what I thought. But are you going to be all cry baby about it? No, because this is America and not everything needs to taste like mouth heaven to be appreciated.
And sure it’s not made with "premium ingredients" or even just "ingredients that aren’t crappy." But do you know what it is made with? Well, since it’s the Official Beer of the American Sportsman my guess is that manliness has a pretty prominent place on the old ingredient list. It probably goes, "Water, Manliness, Other Stuff."
Schmidt is secure with what it is. It doesn’t waste time with pretentious things like apostrophes or trying to be a possessive proper noun. Schmidt no need to talk pretty. It just wants to be cold, wet, and in you when you need it most. Bam!
It doesn’t need a world-famous logo or a million-dollar marketing department. Schmidt just needs cans that feature bears with fish in their mouths. When’s the last time you caught a fish with just your mouth? Don’t worry, Schmidt won’t judge you. It’ll just offer you ice-cold refreshment at a good old-fashioned American price point.
So the next time you’re looking to drink something that will put some hair on your chest, skip the craft beer aisle. Just reach into the cooler that is America and grab yourself an icy cold can of Schmidt. You’re welcome.
[techtags:Schmidt, Beer Reviews]