The Real-Life Wet Bandit Strikes in Seattle

Wet Bandits

Believe it or not, sometimes these blog posts are hard to write. You, the KegWorks audience, are a discerning bunch. It is our goal as curators of this blog to offer you posts that enlighten, entertain, inform, and in general, leave you feeling like you clicked your way in our direction for a very good reason. Sometimes, that’s a lot of pressure.

There are days where I scour the Internet, desperate for inspiration, blindly hoping for the barest spark of an idea that I can somehow spin into conversation-generating gold. Days where I’m skimming articles about beer festivals in Podunk, Middleofnowheresville hoping for a germ of a nugget of an iota of something that is at least kind of worth mentioning.

Those days are not good days.

Of course, there are other days where one Google News search for “Beer” sends me straight into a link about a news story that begins like this: “A burglar pulled a ‘Wet Bandits’ on a Queen Anne restaurant last week when he left a beer tap on full blast, flooding the basement, freezer and cabinets, according to the Seattle Police Department.”

Um, a real life Wet Bandits reference? That involves beer? And continues on to mention that the perpetrator’s goal was stealing 30 bottles of booze? Man, there have been times where I’ve wanted a drink pretty badly, but I’m not sure that I would have been driven to such cinematically felonious lengths to scratch that itch.

Look, this really sucks for the owner of that bar. And I don’t even remotely (repeat: not even REMOTELY) approve of any kind of law-breaking. But how often does the calling card of Macaulay’s Culkin’s “Home Alone” tormentors come up in real life? And with beer? If you’re a reader of this blog who is from that certain generation for whom the idea of “Home Alone” was both your absolute worst nightmare and your absolute most titillating fever dream of escapist envy, I hope you can relate to how this story hit me in the gut. I mean, I didn’t even have to look up the spelling of “Macaulay.”

I sincerely hope this guy gets caught and that the bar owner is well-covered by the appropriate insurance so that his business can continue to grow into the thriving neighborhood joint it deserves to be. But I also sincerely hope that when the judge decrees the punishment for this particular no-goodnik he says something like, “Keep the change ya filthy animal.” So go ahead and enjoy your time on the lam, Real-Life Wet Bandit, but if I were you I’d steer clear of tow-headed children and creepy old men with shovels.

1 Comment

  • Jim March 22, 2013 @ 11:34am

    This guy is a monster.

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